1 thing's for certain and 2 thing's fa sho... I absolutely know that I'm the shit.
I am indeed, that bitch!
Even when I'm down... Even right now.
To be transparent, this last season of my life has been my lowest point. And that seems a little crazy to say when there was a time or two in the past, that I was sleeping in my car. I'm not houseless now and don't get me wrong, things could be worse, but this stint took everything that I had in me.
I was immobilized, infantilized; mentally, emotionally, spiritually, even physically to an extent. Again... I had to start over from scratch. This time was different because I have never struggled so hard to pull the pieces back together. The defeat was so heavy, dragging me down like an anvil chained to my ankle.. and the will to claw my way up the jagged cliff left my fingertips so bruised and bloody, burning and tender, there was no strength in my grip to pull myself up but I also couldn't bring myself to let go... So there I hung, suspended, barely alive.
I've been existing, not living, not thriving, not being present, just surviving; only focusing on how to make it through each next moment.
I realize that a lot of us have been in survival mode since childhood (due to circumstance, generational societal views, racism, etc.). I let surviving consume me so much so that I can't even look back and appreciate a good time because... I was there, but I really wasn't. I haven't been talking to the people that I love because I haven't had a voice to speak outside of complaint and desperation, no emotion to share... "you cannot pour from an empty cup" and I was tired of trying.
I've had to humble myself greatly, push my pride down, shed my ego, feel my shame, ask for help, work for next to nothing, start over.. and over.. and over..
"Hard" cannot define what I'd like to describe.
But I've been reflecting as I'm working through this rut, jumping over these hurdles, bridging my gap, joining these pieces... I know that this phase is coming to an end very soon.
I overstand that you have to play the game to get ahead.. If you try to opt out, you'll always lose. There's no loophole or work around or shortcut or outsmarting; you don't have a choice, you must play or die.
As I've been working on myself, inching out of my depression, changing my trajectory, learning, growing, healing... trying to be mindful of my mindset, zeroing in on the positives, being present, taking deeper breaths, recognizing the beauty in the minute details; I realize that I talk pretty nice to myself.
I may have an overall pessimistic view of life, but self... MYSELF? ME?? Babyyyyy, Ima get through it. I'm cute, sexy, intelligent, inquisitive, hard-working, innovative, BLACK, generous, loving.. the list doesn't end.
I was blessed to have a mother that instilled, promoted, reinforced and nurtured that confidence. And I have to say that my confidence has CARRIED me; triumphantly.
*I want to be open and express myself, but I'm generally pretty private.. so I'm doing my best to share without airing all my shit out, Lol.
Anyway, if any of this resonates with you... you are not alone in your sentiment. And as cliche as it sounds, "It's all gonna work out in the right time." and "What's for you is no one else's, but YOURS and yours alone."
Hang on a little longer... fight a little harder... pray a little louder... breathe through it...
You got this!
I said all that to say... I'm still THAT bitch and if it's one thing no one can do... is shake my confidence, cause
P.S. I know I'm God's Favorite.... but I'm tired of being "God's strongest soldier" and expected to acknowledge that "this is just a test"... Is it really?
Wrap this shit up, Neowwwwwwwwwwwwww!
💜Love Jha²
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